When Turtles and Octopuses Learn to Dance: Healing the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

“AI Turtle Octopus Dance” © 2025 Gregory E. Koch

Over the past two weeks, we've explored the world of turtles (minimizers) and octopuses (maximizers), as well as what happens when two turtles find each other. But what about the most common pairing we see in relationships—when a turtle and an octopus fall in love?

This is the classic "opposites attract" dynamic that creates both the most passionate connections and the most frustrating conflicts. If you've ever felt caught in an endless cycle where one partner pursues while the other withdraws, you're experiencing one of the most common relationship patterns in the world. The good news? It's also one of the most healable.

Why Turtles and Octopuses Fall Hard for Each Other

In the beginning, turtle-octopus couples feel like they've found their missing piece. The turtle admires the octopus's emotional warmth, spontaneity, and ability to express feelings so freely. The octopus is drawn to the turtle's calm strength, steady presence, and mysterious depth.

What the turtle loves about the octopus:

• Their emotional expressiveness feels alive and exciting

• They bring warmth and energy to the turtle's sometimes quiet world

• They're willing to take emotional risks the turtle finds scary but admirable

• They help the turtle feel less alone in their inner world

What the octopus loves about the turtle:

• Their calm presence feels soothing and grounding

• They provide stability when the octopus's emotions feel chaotic

• Their thoughtfulness and depth feel mature and wise

• They offer the security the octopus has always craved

This complementary attraction makes perfect sense from an Imago perspective. As Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt discovered, we unconsciously choose partners who can help us heal our childhood wounds—and who challenge us to grow in areas where we're underdeveloped.

When the Dance Becomes a Battle

But once real life sets in, these same differences become sources of conflict. The pursue-withdraw cycle begins, and it can feel like being trapped in a painful dance where both partners are constantly stepping on each other's feet.

Here's how it typically unfolds:

“AI Turtle Octopus Conflict Cartoon” © 2025 Gregory E. Koch

And round and round they go, with each partner's protective strategy triggering the other's deepest fear.

The Unconscious Messages Driving the Dance

Every turtle carries an unconscious message from childhood: "I survived by being self-sufficient. If I retreat into my shell and maintain my boundaries, I'll be safe from overwhelming emotions and demands."

Every octopus carries their own unconscious message: "I survived by working hard for attention and love. If I express my emotions with energy and pursue connection, I'll finally get the care I need."

Both strategies worked in childhood, but in adult relationships, they create a painful cycle where each partner's solution becomes the other's problem.

Understanding the Childhood Wounds

Turtles often grew up learning:

• Big emotions were dangerous or overwhelming

• Independence was safer than dependence

• Withdrawing protected them from criticism or intrusion

• Their caregivers were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent

Octopuses often experienced:

• They had to work hard to get their emotional needs met

• Expressing feelings was the way to get attention

• Withdrawal from others felt like abandonment

• Their caregivers were sometimes loving, sometimes distant

Neither partner is wrong—both learned intelligent survival strategies. The problem is that these strategies now trigger each other's deepest childhood fears.

The Hidden Gift in Your Differences

Here's the beautiful truth that Imago therapy reveals: your partner's "annoying" traits are actually invitations to heal and grow. The octopus's pursuit isn't really about control—it's about their deep longing for connection and security. The turtle's withdrawal isn't really about rejection—it's about their need for safety and space to process.

Your partner didn't choose their coping style to hurt you. They developed it to survive. And somehow, your unconscious mind knew that this person—with their particular way of being in the world—was exactly who you needed to help you become more whole.

The octopus helps the turtle learn to:

• Express emotions more freely

• Stay present during difficult conversations

• Risk vulnerability for the sake of connection

• Value relationship as much as independence

The turtle helps the octopus learn to:

• Self-soothe instead of always seeking external comfort

• Contain emotions without losing their authenticity

• Trust that space doesn't mean abandonment

• Find security within themselves

Breaking the Cycle: The Path to Conscious Partnership

Moving from this painful dance to a healing partnership requires both people to understand what's really happening underneath the surface behaviors.

For the octopus, growth means:

• Learning to self-soothe when anxiety arises instead of immediately pursuing

• Understanding that your partner's withdrawal isn't about you—it's their way of managing overwhelm

• Practicing asking for connection in ways that feel safe to your turtle partner

• Containing your emotions enough to have productive conversations

For the turtle, growth means:

• Learning to stay emotionally present even when you feel pressured

• Understanding that your partner's pursuit comes from love and fear, not attack

• Practicing expressing feelings before you're completely ready

• Taking the initiative to offer connection instead of waiting to be pursued

Tools for the Turtle-Octopus Dance

The Getting the Love You Want workshop offers specific tools that work beautifully for turtle-octopus couples:

The Imago Dialogue provides structure that helps both partners feel safe. The octopus gets to be heard without overwhelming the turtle, and the turtle gets time to process without feeling pressured to respond immediately.

Scheduled relationship talks help turtles know when emotional conversations will happen (reducing their anxiety) while ensuring octopuses get the connection they need.

Graduated intimacy exercises help turtles practice vulnerability in manageable doses while helping octopuses learn to contain their emotional intensity.

Understanding your triggers helps both partners recognize when they're reacting from childhood wounds versus responding to present reality.

The Beautiful Outcome: Conscious Love

When turtle-octopus couples learn to dance together consciously, something magical happens. The turtle learns to come out of their shell more often, discovering that vulnerability can actually feel good when it's received with love. The octopus learns to trust that their partner's need for space isn't abandonment, finding security in the turtle's consistent, quiet love.

Instead of triggering each other's wounds, they begin healing each other's hearts. The relationship becomes a place where both people can be fully themselves while also growing beyond their childhood limitations.

The healed turtle-octopus couple looks like:

• A turtle who can express emotions freely, knowing they'll be received with love

• An octopus who feels secure in their partner's love, even during quiet moments

• Two people who can ask for what they need without fear of rejection or overwhelm

• Partners who see conflict as an opportunity to understand each other better

• A relationship where differences become sources of growth rather than frustration

Hope for Your Relationship

If you recognize yourself in this pursue-withdraw dance, please know that you're not broken, and neither is your relationship. You're experiencing one of the most common—and most healable—relationship dynamics in the world.

The very traits that drive you crazy about your partner are the ones that can help you become more complete. Your octopus partner's emotional intensity is teaching you to feel more deeply. Your turtle partner's need for space is teaching you to find security within yourself.

With the right tools, understanding, and commitment to growth, your differences can become your greatest strengths. The pursue-withdraw cycle can transform into a beautiful dance of connection and autonomy, intimacy and independence.

Ready to Transform Your Dance?

Consider attending a Getting the Love You Want workshop, where turtle-octopus couples learn practical tools for transforming their painful patterns into healing partnerships. Imago Relationship Therapy, created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, has helped millions of couples over four decades discover that their greatest relationship challenges are actually their greatest opportunities for growth and healing.

Your unconscious mind chose your partner wisely. Now it's time to learn how to love them—and yourself—consciously.

Next week, we'll explore what happens when life throws curveballs at turtle-octopus couples, and how to maintain your conscious partnership during times of stress, change, and challenge.

“AI Octopus and Turtle Swim Together” © 2025 Gregory E. Koch

When Two Turtles Fall in Love: Why It Feels Perfect (But Doesn't Last)

Introductory note: This is the second article in a 5-article series on moving from a reactive (unconscious) to a conscious relationship. I hope you enjoy.

Last week, we explored how “turtles” (minimizers) and “octopuses” (maximizers) are typically drawn to each other in that classic "opposites attract" dynamic. But what happens when two turtles find each other? You might think it would be relationship heaven—no pursuing, no pressure, perfect understanding of each other's need for space. The reality is more complex.

In Imago Relationship Therapy, we see turtle-turtle couples fairly often, and while they avoid some of the typical pursue-withdraw conflicts, they face their own unique challenges. Let's explore why two turtles initially feel like perfect matches, and why that same compatibility can become a problem over time.

The Magic of Turtle Meets Turtle

When two turtles first meet, it can feel like finding their soulmate. Finally, someone who truly gets it! Here's a person who:

• Doesn't pressure them to "open up" constantly

• Respects their need for space and independence

• Won't chase them around demanding to talk about feelings

• Understands that love doesn't mean being joined at the hip

• Values thoughtfulness over impulsive emotional expression

This feels amazing, especially if they've previously dated octopuses who wanted to talk everything through immediately and needed lots of emotional connection. The relief of finding someone who shares their values around independence and emotional privacy can feel like coming home.

Why Our Unconscious Picks Familiar Partners

As we discussed in our previous article about turtle and octopus dynamics, Imago theory—developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt—teaches us that we don't pick partners by accident. Our unconscious mind has what we call an "Imago"—a mental picture made up of all our early caregivers' traits, both positive and challenging.

Two turtles often had remarkably similar childhoods. Maybe their parents were emotionally distant, or didn't handle big feelings well, or taught them that needing too much from others was not okay. Perhaps they learned that independence was the highest virtue, or that emotional expression was messy and uncomfortable.

When they meet another turtle, it feels familiar and safe. There's an unconscious recognition: "Here's someone who understands the world the way I do. I don't have to explain why I need space or defend my boundaries. This person gets it."

The Comfort Zone Becomes a Trap

While this initial compatibility feels wonderful, it can create problems down the road. Both partners employ similar strategies when things get difficult:

• Mutual withdrawal: When conflict arises, both retreat to their respective corners instead of working through issues

• Emotional avoidance: Neither partner pushes the other toward vulnerability, so important feelings remain unexpressed

• Conflict minimization: Problems get swept under the rug rather than addressed directly

• Parallel living: They might function well as roommates but miss out on deep emotional intimacy

What starts as peaceful can gradually become lonely. Instead of the dramatic fights that turtle-octopus couples experience, turtle-turtle couples often suffer from what we might call "quiet disconnection."

The Problem with Playing It Too Safe

Here's where the turtle-turtle dynamic gets tricky. While they avoid the stress that comes from having an octopus partner who pursues and demands emotional engagement, they miss out on something important: the growth that comes from being gently challenged.

In healthy relationships, we need some degree of stretching beyond our comfort zone. When both partners are committed to avoiding vulnerability and maintaining emotional distance, nobody grows. The relationship can become emotionally stagnant, with both people feeling:

• Lonely despite being in a partnership

• Like they're living with a good friend rather than a romantic partner

• Frustrated that their deepest needs aren't being met

• Confused about why they feel so disconnected from someone who "gets" them

When One Turtle Starts to Emerge

Sometimes, life events or personal growth cause one turtle to begin wanting more emotional connection. Maybe they go through therapy, experience a life crisis, or simply reach a point where the safety of distance no longer feels satisfying.

When this happens, they might become what we call the "pursuing turtle"—still naturally inclined toward minimizing, but now longing for deeper intimacy. They may develop some octopus qualities, reaching out for more emotional connection while maintaining their core turtle nature.

This shift can create confusion in the relationship. The partner who's stretching toward connection might feel frustrated by their partner's continued withdrawal, while the more traditional turtle might feel pressured and retreat further. Suddenly, their "perfect match" doesn't feel so perfect anymore.

From Unconscious to Conscious Relationship

The good news? This pattern doesn't have to be permanent. Imago therapy teaches us that we can move from an "unconscious relationship" (where we just react based on old patterns) to a "conscious relationship" (where we make intentional choices about how we connect).

For two turtles, creating a conscious relationship means learning to:

• Share feelings even when it feels scary: Both partners need to practice vulnerability in small, manageable doses

• Stay present during difficult conversations: Instead of both retreating, they can learn to remain engaged even when emotions arise

• Ask for what they need: Rather than hoping their partner will guess, they can practice direct communication

• Create structured emotional safety: Use tools like the Imago Dialogue to make vulnerability feel safer

How Getting the Love You Want Can Help

The Getting the Love You Want workshop and Imago Relationship Therapy offer specific tools that work especially well for turtle couples:

The Imago Dialogue: This structured conversation process helps both partners share feelings without anyone getting overwhelmed. It provides the safety that turtles need to risk being vulnerable.

Understanding your childhood story: Both partners can explore how their past experiences shaped their current patterns, creating compassion for each other's protective strategies.

Graduated vulnerability exercises: Rather than diving into deep emotional waters, couples learn to build intimacy gradually in ways that feel manageable.

Emotional safety practices: Turtles learn how to create an environment where opening up doesn't feel dangerous or overwhelming.

Your Turtle Strengths Are Still Strengths

It's important to remember that the very qualities that helped you survive childhood—your thoughtfulness, your ability to stay calm under pressure, your respect for boundaries—can become relationship assets when combined with new intimacy skills.

You don't need to become an full-on octopus to have a thriving relationship. You just need to expand your emotional toolkit. The workshop teaches you how to use your natural turtle strengths while also learning new skills for emotional connection.

You'll discover that true safety in a relationship doesn't come from avoiding vulnerability—it comes from creating a space where vulnerability is welcomed, honored, and cherished by both partners.

It's Never Too Late to Connect

Whether you're two turtles who've been living parallel lives for years, or you're just beginning to realize that your "low-maintenance" relationship might actually be starving for deeper connection, conscious relationship skills can transform your partnership.

Your turtle shell protected you when you needed it most. Now, with the right tools and support, you can choose when to come out and connect, knowing you're safe to be your authentic self with your partner. You can maintain your valued independence while also creating the warm intimacy you're both secretly longing for.

Ready to Learn More?

If this sounds like your relationship, consider joining a Getting the Love You Want workshop. You'll learn practical skills for moving from a cold, distant partnership to a warm, conscious relationship where both turtles can thrive—together. Imago Relationship Therapy has helped millions of couples transform their relationships over more than four decades.

Remember: your initial attraction made perfect sense, and with the right tools, you can keep what works while building the deeper connection you both deserve.

Next week, we'll explore what happens when a turtle and an octopus learn to dance together—how these opposite styles can actually become each other's greatest teachers and healers.

Are You a Turtle or an Octopus? Understanding Your Relationship Style

AI “Shell We Talk?” © 2025 Gregory E. Koch

Introductory note: This is the first article in a five-article series on moving from a reactive to a conscious relationship. I hope you enjoy it.

Do you ever wonder why some couples seem to speak completely different languages when it comes to conflict? Or why do you and your partner react so differently when things get tense? The answer might lie in understanding whether you're a turtle or an octopus.

Let's start by exploring how people handle relationship stress differently. In Imago Relationship Therapy—developed by Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt—we recognize that people handle relationship stress in one of two main ways. Some of us are minimizers (or "turtles"), while others are maximizers (or "octopuses"). Understanding these patterns can transform how you see your relationship dynamics.

Meet the Turtle: The Minimizer

Turtles are people who, when conflict or stress arises, pull their energy inward and retreat into their protective shell. They're not stubborn or uncaring—they're responding to stress the way their nervous system learned was safest.

Turtle traits might include:

• Needing to process emotions on their own.

• Withdrawing during arguments or during tense moments.

• Tending to keep feelings private until they feel safe enough to share.

• Wanting to think things through before speaking.

• Getting overwhelmed by emotions and then “shutting down”.

• Valuing independence.

When a turtle feels pressured or pursued, their instinct is to retreat further into their shell. It's not personal—it's a protective response they developed long ago. If you recognize yourself as a turtle, keep reading—now let's meet the octopus and see how the other coping style works.

Meet the Octopus: The Maximizer

On the other hand, Octopuses respond to relationship stress by reaching out in multiple directions, seeking connection and resolution. Like an octopus with its many arms, they actively pursue emotional engagement and want to work through problems immediately.

Octopus traits can include:

• Wanting to talk about problems immediately.

• Seeking reassurance and emotional connection when under stress.

• Expressing emotions openly in ways that can sometimes feel intense.

• Feeling anxious when their partner isn’t emotionally present.

• Pursuing their partner for attention or resolution of a conflict.

• Needing to feel heard and understood to calm down.

When an octopus senses distance, they reach out more actively, hoping to restore connection. This behavior isn't clingy—it's their way of managing the fear that distance creates. Now that you know both styles, let's look at what happens when turtles and octopuses come together.

Why Opposites Attract (And Then Drive Each Other to Distraction)

Guess what?: turtles and octopuses tend to fall in love. Initially, these differences feel like the perfect match and can be deeply attractive. The turtle appreciates the octopus's warmth and ability to express how they feel, while the octopus admires the turtle's apparent calmness and independence.

But once the inevitable conflicts arise, these same differences become sources of frustration. The octopus starts pursuing: "Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong? We need to figure this out!" Meanwhile, the turtle retreats deeper: "I need space to think. Stop pressuring me. I'll talk when I'm ready."

This creates what we call the pursue-withdraw cycle. The more the octopus pursues, the more the turtle withdraws. The more the turtle withdraws, the more the octopus pursues. Both partners end up feeling misunderstood and disconnected.

The Childhood Connection

These patterns didn't develop randomly—they're rooted in our earliest experiences. According to Imago theory, we unconsciously choose partners who have the same core childhood wounds as us, but who developed opposite coping strategies.

Turtles often grew up in environments where:

• Big emotions felt unsafe or overwhelming.

• They learned that withdrawing kept them safe.

• Independence was valued over emotional expression.

• Their caregivers were emotionally distant or unavailable.

Octopuses often experienced:

• Inconsistent attention or affection from caregivers.

• Learning that they had to work hard to get their needs met.

• Environments where emotional expression was the norm.

• Fear that withdrawal meant abandonment.

Neither response is right or wrong—both are intelligent adaptations to childhood circumstances.

The Unconscious Voice Inside Each Style

Every turtle carries an unconscious message: "I'm going to make my partner respect my boundaries by retreating into my shell, excluding them from my personal space".

Every octopus carries their own unconscious message: "I'm going to make my partner give me more attention and love by expressing my feelings with energy and reaching out for connection.”

These strategies work in childhood, but in adult romantic relationships, they tend to lead to conflict.

Breaking the Cycle

Here’s the good news: If we understand these patterns, we can work together to change them. Also, when you realize that your partner's turtle withdrawal isn't a rejection and your partner's octopus pursuit isn't an attempt to control, you can start responding differently.

For turtles, growth means:

• Learning that emotions aren’t dangerous, so it’s okay to stay present during emotionally charged conversations.

• Expressing feelings even when it feels vulnerable.

• Understanding that your partner's pursuit comes from their love for you, not a desire to attack you.

For octopuses, growth means:

• Learning to contain emotion for a time so you can give your partner space.

• Developing skills for internal self-soothing instead of immediately seeking external comfort.

• Trusting that withdrawal doesn't mean abandonment.

You're Both Styles (But One Dominates)

Here's an important truth: we all have both turtle and octopus tendencies. Depending on the situation, you might withdraw like a turtle or pursue like an octopus. But most of us have a dominant style—our go-to response when we're stressed or triggered.

Some people are "turtle-octopus" (mostly turtle with some octopus qualities) or "octopus-turtle" (mostly octopus with some turtle qualities). Understanding your primary pattern helps you recognize when you're operating from unconscious programming rather than making conscious choices.

Hope for Healing

The beautiful thing about Imago theory is that it shows us how our relationship challenges are actually opportunities for healing. Your partner's different style isn't meant to drive you crazy—it's meant to help you grow into a more complete person.

When a turtle learns to express emotions and an octopus learns to self-soothe, both partners become more whole. The relationship becomes a place where old childhood wounds can finally heal.

What's Next?

Next week, I'll explore what happens when two turtles fall in love. While it might seem like a perfect match—no pursuing, no pressure, lots of mutual respect for space—turtle-turtle relationships face their own unique challenges. You'll discover why these couples initially fall in love, but can later feel so lonely. But hope is not lost. These couples can work together to create the deep intimacy they're both longing for.

Whether you're a turtle, an octopus, or somewhere in between, understanding these patterns can help you move from unconscious reactions to conscious choices. Your relationship style isn't a limitation—it's one of the reasons you were attracted to your partner, and it’s a starting point for growth, healing, and deeper connection.

Want to learn more about transforming your relationship patterns? Consider attending a Getting the Love You Want workshop, where couples learn practical tools for moving beyond unconscious dynamics toward conscious, healing love.

AI “Shell we talk? 2” © 2025 Gregory E. Koch

Navigating Relationship Pressures: How Imago Relationship Therapy Empowers LGBTQ+ and Diverse Couples

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | September 9, 2024

stock.adobe.com - Cultura Creative

As a psychologist and certified Imago Relationship Therapist, I’ve dedicated my career to helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of love and partnership. But my journey isn’t just professional—it’s also deeply personal. My husband, José, and I are not only a gay couple, we are also interethnic. We have personally experienced the unique challenges that come with being a diverse couple in today’s world. The societal expectations, family pressures, and occasional misunderstandings have tested our bond. Through it all, we have found strength and growth by utilizing the tools provided in Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT). The principles of IRT provide us with a safe space to explore our differences, celebrate our love, and build a resilient partnership. Our experience has not only enriched our personal lives, it has deepened our commitment to helping other couples, especially those from the LGBTQ+ community and diverse backgrounds, find their path to lasting love and understanding.

Modern day couples face a myriad of expectations and challenges. For LGBTQ+ couples, these pressures are often compounded by societal stigma, discrimination, and unique family dynamics. Multicultural couples may struggle with navigating cultural differences and addressing prejudices. It is important to acknowledge that all couples, including LGBTQ+ and diverse couples, must contend with the usual relationship stressors, such as communication issues, work-life balance, and financial concerns.

José and I are excited to offer the Getting the Love You Want couples workshop, based on Imago Relationship Therapy, which offers valuable tools to help couples cope with relationship pressures and strengthen their bond.

The couples workshop is not group therapy. Rather, it is a weekend where José and I provide education about what drives couples to conflict, demonstrate skills that help couples successfully improve their connection, and allow time for couples to practice these skills in private.

The Getting Your Love Want couples workshop can help your relationship in the following ways:

1. Increase compassion and curiosity: The workshop encourages partners to approach each other with genuine interest, kindness, and empathy. By learning to see their partner’s perspective, couples can better understand and validate each other’s experiences, including the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ and diverse couples.

2. Improve communication: Learning effective communication tools is crucial for navigating relationship challenges. The workshop teaches couples how to listen actively and express themselves without using shame, blame, or criticism, to foster better understanding and a safe space for connection.

3. Address cultural differences: The workshop provides a safe space for intercultural and interethnic couples to explore and celebrate their diverse backgrounds. The tools offered will help partners negotiate cultural differences and find common ground.

4. Heal past wounds: The Imago approach recognizes that childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. The workshop teaches couples how to identify and heal past wounds and traumas, to reduce their impact on their romantic relationship.

5. Build a unique relationship identity: Creating relationship models can be challenging for LGBTQ+ and diverse couples. This workshop supports couples in developing a unique identity that honors both partners backgrounds and values.

6. Develop practical skills: Couples will leave the workshop with a practical toolkit that they can use at home to continue their growth. These include structured dialogues, exercises for deepening intimacy, and conflict resolution strategies. This practical toolkit empowers couples to navigate conflict and face their relationship challenges with confidence and understanding - ready and equipped to handle any obstacles that they might encounter.

7. Foster resilience: Couples will strengthen their connection and improve their communication to more effectively tackle external pressures and challenges. By enhancing their ability to support and understand each other, couples can build a strong foundation for navigating difficult situations and strengthening their bond.

The Getting the Love You Want couples workshop provides a supportive environment for couples to explore their relationship dynamics, free from judgment or societal expectations. While all couples are welcome, it’s particularly valuable for LGBTQ+ and diverse couples who may not see their experiences reflected in the larger society. Our goal is to create a safe, comfortable space for you to grow and learn.

As couples work through the exercises and discussions, they often experience a renewed sense of connection and understanding. They learn that conflict is not an obstacle but an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy. This shift in perspective can bring hope and optimism to couples, showing them that their relationship can continue to grow and strengthen with commitment and practice, building a resilient partnership capable of weathering life’s challenges.

I’ve seen countless couples transform their relationships through the Imago process, and José and I have seen the benefits in our own relationship. By increasing compassion, fostering curiosity, and developing practical skills, couples can cope with societal pressures and thrive despite them.

We invite you to attend an upcoming Getting the Love You Want couples weekend workshop. Contact us for more information and to register. Imago Relationship couples therapy and couples intensives are also available. José and I look forward to meeting you soon.

About the author: Dr. Gregory E. Koch has over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples achieve personal growth and meaningful connections. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist. Dr. Koch specializes in trauma recovery, LGBTQ+ support, and relationship counseling. Dr. Koch and his husband, José Ontiveros Koch, present a couple’s weekend workshop called “Getting the Love You Want.” Learn more about Dr. Gregory E. Koch. 

Getting The Love You Want Educational Workshop: What We Learned as a Couple

Written by Dr. Koch and José Ontiveros Koch

My husband, José, and I are completing professional training to facilitate the Imago-based ‘Getting the Love You Want’ Couples Workshop. This educational program is an immersive two-and-a-half-day experience on enhancing communication and building intimacy. We are excited to announce that the first workshop will be offered at Therapy Changes in June 2024! In the lead-up to our first workshop, we wanted to share a few things we learned from attending the workshop ourselves six years ago. These lessons have helped our relationship immensely and we are still practicing the skills today.  

Lessons learned:

1. The workshop introduced us to Imago Couples therapy techniques for a new way to talk and listen. We learned the skills necessary to actively listen to each other. For example, we learned how to use the 'mirroring' technique, which is when one person repeats back what the other person said. This helped ensure that we truly understood each other's perspectives before moving forward in the conversation. Mastering this technique has been a game-changer in our relationship. We now have a deeper understanding and empathy for one another.

2. We learned how differences in our upbringing impact our communication styles. Once we recognized how our backgrounds and experiences influence our communication styles, it opened our eyes to the different ways we perceive problems and how we communicate. This awareness helped us better navigate these differences in our relationship.

3. José experienced a great deal of personal growth during the workshop experience. He learned valuable skills to shift away from a reactive mind to asking for what he needs. As a couple we gained strategies to move away from reacting unconsciously to each other and towards expressing our thoughts and feelings openly by asking for what we need. This shift fostered support, empathy, and understanding in our relationship.

4. I was captivated by the concept of staying curious. The workshop underscored the significance of maintaining a sense of curiosity about each other. This perspective fostered an ongoing learning and understanding within our relationship that continues today. When we remain curious toward one another, we reduce assumptions that we have about the motivation behind each other’s behavior and remain open to learning something new about our partner that we didn’t know before.

The Getting the Love You Want workshop is a great opportunity for any couple to learn more about each other, and themselves in a safe environment. The workshop is educational; it is not therapy. This means the amount that you share with others is entirely up to you. This experience will teach you how to break destructive patterns of communicating and build new pathways for increased understanding, compassion, and closeness with your partner. Ample opportunities to practice new behaviors will be provided, with professional guidance from the group facilitators. You and your partner may be surprised at what is possible when you listen – really listen – to each other. Together you will work toward a common vision of your dream relationship.

We invite you to join us at our upcoming Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop this June. Contact Us today for more information and to register. José and I look forward to meeting you soon!

The Absolutely Essential Nature of Conflict in Romantic Relationships

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 20, 2023

Photo by Carlos David

Many of us believe that “good relationships” don’t have conflict. Contrary to this commonly held belief, conflict is absolutely essential in romantic relationships! Conflict in a relationship doesn’t imply failure or dysfunction, but rather signifies the depth and authenticity of the connection. In this article, I explain the important role that conflict serves in romantic relationships, and how it can help bring us closer to our partners.

If experiencing conflict in your relationships is difficult for you, you’re not alone. We don’t often learn what healthy conflict looks like, and often develop conflict styles from observing others. Our family dynamics, cultural influences, and past experiences shape how we approach and handle conflicts in our relationships. With support and guidance from a San Diego psychologist, you will learn Why You Should Have Hard Conversations…And How to Start Them.

Conflict is absolutely essential because it provides an opportunity for partners to better understand each other. It allows us to express our needs, desires, and concerns openly. Through conflict, we gain insight into each other’s perspectives, values, and emotions, and foster a more profound connection and deeper empathy.

Embracing conflict as an opportunity to grow, and can lead to more fulfilling, deep, and long-lasting relationships.

Perhaps you’ve avoided conflict in your relationship in the past. To avoid conflict seems easier in the short term, but it leads to detrimental consequences in the long run. When we avoid conflict, resentment builds, and results in explosive “blow ups” that cause even greater distress. Ironically, these negative experiences in relationships lead to further avoidance of conflict.

Unresolved conflicts erode connection within relationships and destroy trust and intimacy over time. By acknowledging and addressing conflicts constructively, couples can prevent these adverse outcomes and maintain a healthier dynamic.

When we learn how to resolve conflicts when they are minor and solvable, we can build and maintain healthy romantic relationships. When we approach disputes with mutual respect, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand one another, conflict can strengthen the bond between partners.

Strategies to Invite Healthy Conflict into Your Relationship

1. Communicate Effectively

You can learn How to Effectively Communicate with Your Partner by being open and honest with your partner. Be an active listener, express emotions respectfully, and use non-defensive communication with the use of “I” statements. These strategies can contribute to a more productive dialogue.

2. Listen and Collaborate

Focus on mutually acceptable solutions instead of trying to win arguments. This approach requires a willingness to listen and understand each other’s needs while allowing room to find common ground.

Your couples therapist can help you learn how to increase your cognitive flexibility, and build empathy for a more fulfilling romantic relationship.

3. Seek Professional Help

Couples therapy provides a safe space to learn and practice effective conflict resolution techniques. A therapist with specialized training for couples, like Dr. Koch at San Diego Relationship Center, can guide you and your partner to develop healthier communication strategies and address deeper underlying issues.

Approaches like Imago Relationship Therapy provides a structured approach to resolve conflict while creating deeper understanding and a more profound connection with your partner.

I tell couples, “Conflict is growth trying to happen.” It is an essential component of any romantic relationship. When you recognize the significance of conflict and learn how to navigate conflict amicably, you and your partner can cultivate a deeper understanding of each other, foster emotional intimacy, and build stronger connections.

When you embrace the power of healthy conflict, you can unlock the true growth potential of your romantic relationship.

Help is Available

If you and your partner feel “stuck,” Couples therapy at San Diego Relationship Center can help. Your San Diego psychologist can provide invaluable guidance to help you resolve conflicts effectively.

Contact Us today to learn more about How Therapy Works and What to Expect and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Koch. Relationships are hard work, and you don’t have to go it alone.

Navigating Anti-LGBTQ+ Religions

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | July 21, 2023

Empowering Strategies for Resilience and Growth

In today’s diverse society, it is disheartening to acknowledge that certain religious beliefs continue to marginalize and discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community. Anti-gay religions have a harmful impact on the lives and relationships of gay individuals, often causing emotional distress and feelings of isolation. This article will highlight positive coping mechanisms and strategies that empower gay individuals to navigate and triumph over these attempts at sabotage.

How to cope with anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric:

1. Find a Supportive Community

A solid support system is paramount for any queer individual whose identity is being challenged, especially if it is within the context of anti-gay religions. Surround yourself with people who accept and celebrate your identity to nurture an environment that supports your personal growth and resilience. If you are not already a part of a queer community, seek out LGBTQ+ affirming organizations or social groups where you can connect with individuals who share similar experiences and struggles. If you are unable to access in-person support, online support can be a boon.

If you surround yourself with people who accept and celebrate your identity, you can create a nurturing environment for personal growth and resilience.

2. Develop Emotional Resilience

Anti-gay religious doctrines lead queer people to feel shame, guilt, and self-doubt. To overcome these hurdles, one must cultivate emotional resilience. Engaging in mindfulness, meeting with a trained therapist who specializes in working with the LGBTQ+ community, or practicing meditation will help you promote self-acceptance, increase self-compassion, and improve overall emotional well-being.

Your worth is not defined by the opinions of those who attempt to sabotage your life and relationships.

3. Educate Yourself and Others

Knowledge is a powerful tool to combat prejudice and misinformation. Educate yourself about different religions, their beliefs, and historical contexts. This knowledge will help you engage in meaningful conversations with individuals who hold anti-gay religious views. When you share your experiences and perspectives with others, it can shift hearts and minds, thus promoting acceptance and understanding. This approach may be helpful for some; however, some queer people may need to step back from religion entirely to protect their well-being. Check in with yourself about which approach is better for you (and see #4 below).

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

When navigating anti-gay religions, it is essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. You have the agency to decide who you allow into your life and how much influence they have over your well-being. Be assertive in communicating your boundaries with family, friends, or religious figures who may attempt to sabotage your relationships or impose their beliefs on you.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-empowerment.

5. Seek Professional Support

Therapy with a trained San Diego psychologist provides a supportive space to discuss the impact of anti-gay religions on your well-being. A qualified psychologist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+-related issues can help you develop coping strategies that are tailored to your unique circumstances. Your therapist will guide you through emotional challenges, help you develop valuable insights, and assist you in fostering resilience and personal growth.

6. Celebrate Personal Victories

A crucial aspect of self-care is to acknowledge and celebrate your personal achievements. Recognize and honor the steps you take towards personal growth, self-acceptance, and overcoming the obstacles imposed by anti-gay religions.

When you celebrate these victories, you reinforce your strength, resilience, and commitment to living an authentic and fulfilling life.

Facing attempts at sabotage by anti-gay religions is a tremendous challenge and extremely hurtful and painful for many LGBTQ+ people. It is important to remember that you are not alone. You will emerge from these challenges stronger and more empowered when you embrace supportive communities, develop emotional resilience, educate yourself and others, set boundaries, seek professional support, and celebrate your personal victories.

Together, we can work towards fostering acceptance, understanding, and equality for all members of the LGBTQ+ community. Please contact us to learn more about how therapy can help and have a wonderful Pride month!

Coming Out as Queer on Your Terms

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | December 30, 2022

Photo by Cavan for Adobe

This article is inspired by friends and clients who recently shared with me about their coming out journey. In my article Relationship Tips for Gay Men…and anyone else smart enough to read this article, I suggest that gay men “celebrate their gay” by being themself in as many spaces as possible. This article will expand on this idea and provide guidance for anyone Coming Out as Queer.

When to Come Out

I encourage those who “come out”, or tell their truth, to do so on their own terms. This means that you have full autonomy to let others know about the diversity of your sexual orientation and/or gender identity whenever the time is right for you.

There is no right time to come out except when you are ready.

Take the pressure off yourself to come out in a particular way or time. For example, if you decide to come out to your family over an upcoming holiday, it is okay to change your plans if it doesn’t feel right at the time. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your coming out is for you!

How to Come Out

Come out by whatever method works best for you. For example, I lived with my mother for about six months after I finished college. I did this because I knew living at home would help me tell her that I was gay. After a couple of months, I wrote a coming out letter to her and left it with a helpful book on the kitchen counter. I went away for the weekend and gave her some time to process her thoughts and feelings. When we talked about it later, we were able to do so in a calm and caring manner. This strategy worked best for me, but it may feel better for others to have a face-to-face or phone conversation.

Avoid coming out by text message. We lose a lot of communication when we use text messages, especially when we have emotional conversations. This often leads to misunderstandings. Instead, try a more personal approach, like an in-person conversation, phone, or video call, or even a handwritten letter.

What to Share

You decide the information you provide to your loved ones. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and reactions (assuming they aren’t abusive), and you don’t need to manage other people’s feelings. It may be helpful to give your loved one some time and space to process, like I did with my mother. She was able to take care of herself in her own way, and it didn’t fall on me to manage her feelings.

When you share in a mature, caring way, you are not responsible for the feelings and reactions of others.

Set boundaries in this process to take care of yourself. Remember, it’s not your job to educate the world, including your loved ones, about queerness. It’s their job to educate themselves. Those who love us will do so in time.

Support is Available

Coming out as Queer can be a very difficult process. It takes a great deal of courage, and personal understanding to broach these important and meaningful conversations with your loved ones. Coming out is also a wonderful thing. It is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing yourself, your sexual orientation and identity. You may find it helpful to work with a professional San Diego Psychologist who specializes in LGBTQ+ – related concerns.

Although coming out can be difficult, it can also be a very liberating and freeing process. You may feel like you can finally be authentic and true to who you are. You may even find a whole community of people like you and feel supported and inspired. Contact Us today to schedule an appointment with Dr. Koch at San Diego Relationship Center. Coming out doesn’t have to be a lonely process. Help and support is available.

Relationship Tips for Gay Men

…and anyone smart enough to read this article

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | July 1, 2022

Photo by Cavan for Adobe

In 2014, I attempted my first 5-day backpacking trip. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sir Edmund Hillary, the first mountaineer to summit Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen, once said, “It is not the mountains we conquer but ourselves.” I remember feeling something very similar after my much less significant achievement. I learned that climbing a mountain was much more than a physical feat. The real challenge was cultivating a positive mindset and facing the mental challenge. I felt as if I was conquering myself with every step forward. I knew that if I allowed the self-doubt and inner critic to take over, the next step might head me down the mountain instead of up it. The reward of such work was the camaraderie with my fellow trekkers and the knowledge that challenging tasks are possible with perseverance.

Reflecting on this experience reminds me of what it’s like to tackle the adventure of dating. The prospect of nurturing a romantic relationship can seem quite daunting, but the reward of perseverance and hard work is the deep connection and intimacy we enjoy with our partners.

You can reap the benefits of being in a healthy and stable romantic relationship. To help you get there, I share tips that I learned in my work with couples and those seeking to improve intimacy. While these tips pertain primarily for gay men, they have broad relevance to other communities, as well.

Tips for romantic relationships:

1. Date!

The first thing is to get started. Put yourself out there. Take the risk. You can’t get what you don’t ask for, so ask that hotty out on a date.

2. Attraction is purely subjective.

If someone is not into you, it’s not personal. We can’t control who is attracted to us. The mechanisms that determine if the person is attracted to you were present long before you met them. If there isn’t a mutual attraction, move on…there’s someone better out there for you.

3. Take your time.

I can’t tell you how often I hear the story of people getting hot and bothered about someone immediately after meeting them. They can hear wedding bells ringing after the first date! Slow…down. Try referring to the early times together as simply “hanging out” rather than “dating” to reduce the emotional intensity. If you find yourself outpacing the other person, be aware of your emotions, take a step back and let the other person catch up. By slowing down, you will take the pressure off the relationship, which is a real turn-on.

4. The purpose of dating is to find out if someone is a good match.

If the relationship doesn’t evolve after the first few meetings, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. Just because someone wasn’t a good match for you doesn’t mean that your attempt was a failure. Having the courage to put yourself out there is in and of itself an accomplishment. By doing so you have learned something valuable about yourself, and you are now free to put energy into the next person. Be patient with yourself: finding the right match often takes longer than you think it should.

5. Date and have relationships with people who are available.

A lot of the “games” people play in the dating scene are because they fear getting close to others. Choose relationships with people who aren’t afraid to tell you how they feel and ask for what they need. Practice sharing your feelings with potential partners, as well, even though it may be scary at first.

6. Abandon hopeless relationships.

I can’t stress this enough. You deserve a fulfilling and enriching relationship. If your emotional needs aren’t being met in a relationship, talk to your partner. Tell them how you feel and try to work together to find a solution. If, after time you still aren’t getting what you need, it’s time to say goodbye.

7. Ask for what you want.

You can’t always get what you ask for, but you certainly can’t get what you don’t ask for. Take the risk, it often pays off. If you don’t get what you want, you will still feel satisfied knowing that you did your best, and that you learned something in the process.

8. Allow others to have their feelings.

You and the person(s) you are in a relationship with are individuals. You are all entitled to your feelings and should have the right to express them. Navigating the complexity of differing emotions is what it takes to be in a healthy relationship.

9. Claim space for yourself.

Human romantic partners didn’t evolve to be together all the time. It’s important to spend time apart. Take a vacation by yourself each year (your partner can do the same). If one of your partner’s best friends is intolerable to you, that’s alright! Give that time to your partner. Learn how to take space for yourself and give space to your partner. Coming back together will be even sweeter.

10. Normalize a range of body types.

There is a lot of pressure in the gay community to meet “ideal” body standards. Beauty exists outside of these narrow parameters and so does attraction. Many of us internalize a rigid definition of beauty beginning at an early age, leading to feelings of shame and criticism in our communities. If you and your partner(s) want healthy self-esteem and body image, step away from the harmful messaging of diet culture and embrace your natural body type, even if it differs from what society tells you is “ideal.”

11. Normalize gender differences.

Embrace and learn to love the differences in gender expression in our communities. When we do this as gay men, we find more love for ourselves and start to let go of the internalized homophobia that we carry with us.

12. “Celebrate your gay.”

Celebrate your queerness. Be yourself in as many spaces as possible. Learn to accept yourself and your partner and let go of the burden of guilt related to being gay. When others can’t celebrate with you, it’s okay to set boundaries that protect you from the shame others try to place on you. In some cases, you may need to revisit tip #6. It’s not fair to you, or your partners when you have to apologize for being who you are. You certainly don’t see non-queer people apologizing for being cisgender and straight! Level the playing field by celebrating who you are.

Being in a healthy romantic relationship requires a lot of hard work. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, lost, and confused in the process. Past traumas, internalized homophobia and external stressors can all interfere with your ability to positively relate to your partner. If you are having trouble expressing your emotions, or asking for what you need in your relationship, consider Couples Therapy. Working with a professional San Diego Psychologist will help you and your partner learn tools and strategies to help you work together to accomplish your goals. You deserve to enjoy an intimate, healthy, and uplifting relationship. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a member of the Therapy Changes team who will help get you there.

Reinvigorating Sexual Passion and Desire in a Committed Relationship

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 29, 2021

Photo by SKW

In the early days of a relationship, sex can seem fun, exciting, and something to look forward to for many couples. Of course, every couple is different. For many, even those still profoundly in love, sexual passion and behaviors can change throughout a long-term relationship. Couples who maintain a higher level of passion in a relationship may have a higher level of individual sexual passion to begin with (Busby, et al., 2019). But, as we know, life happens. We get older, our bodies change, some of us have children, stress can get the best of us. Such events can impact our sex lives even if our sex drive and sexual desire remain high. But here is the reality, sexual problems are normal, especially sexual desire problems (Schnarch, 2019). This might sound like new information if you believed the romantic fallacy that good relationships don’t have sexual problems. The fact is, good relationships and healthy people do have sexual problems.

So, how do we bring passion back into our committed relationships?

Understanding what you want and asking for it is powerful medicine in the bedroom. Believe it or not, “sexual passion can be developed and increased over time in relationships as couples learn to be more differentiated and are thereby able to expand their sexual intimacy, repertoire, and passion.” (Busby, et al., p. 736).

Follow the suggestions below to help improve your sex life:

1) Make time for intimacy

One aspect of improving our sex lives is prioritizing sex. But how do we make our sex lives a priority when life gets in the way? Consider scheduling sex with your sexy sex partner! “Scheduling?” you say? “How unromantic,” you say? I get it. And yet, when we want that special time with our partner knowing when and where can be helpful. It might surprise you, but most couples intentionally plan their sexual experiences (McCarthy & Wald, 2015).

2) Take time to look and smell good

At the beginning of romantic relationships, we are likely to try to impress each other by looking and smelling good. Of course, over time, we may put less effort into trying to impress our partners. This change certainly makes sense once we have dated a long time, if we live together, or raise children together. As relationships become long-term, knowing when sex is expected to occur gives us the chance to prepare to impress our partner at times when it matters most. As silly as it may seem, smelling and looking good can help improve the sexual experience. Having the opportunity to shower, brush our teeth, etc. can help us feel good about ourselves and our time together. Perhaps most importantly, the anticipation can be sexy and fun.

3) Learn about, and understand each other’s differences

What about relationships where one partner appears to be asking for sex more than the other? In my experience, every couple has a difference in their level of sexual desire: one partner is always going to want more sex than the other. As I mentioned above, many factors can change our sexual desire over time, but even without these changes, one partner will want a different amount of sex than the other. For example, perhaps you want sex a few times per week, and your partner wants it once every other week. Schnarch writes that simply understanding this difference can take pressure off couples.

On the other hand, this dynamic might cause a situation where one partner always seems to be initiating sex. This can start to feel like pressure when always in the lead when asking for intimacy. And the pressure to have sex can harm our sexual satisfaction. In such cases, it can be helpful to switch up the lead using what I call “Keeper of the Sexual Relationship Days”. Make an agreement between you about who will first “take the lead” to request sex, and then switch to the other partner next time. Using a strategy like this gives each partner time to think about what experience they might like to have and how they might set the scene. It allows setting up a romantic night, for example. Expressing and enjoying an individual’s desires and passions can bring alive sex with your partner.

4) Try new things together

As our lives with our partners become more routine, so do our sex lives. So, how can we improve sex in relationships? Schnarch (2019) writes that the best way is to create a collaborative partnership regarding sex. This approach means agreeing to work together. And we can’t do this without having good sexual communication. This suggestion might be another area where you would tell me, “How unromantic!” But the reality is your partner can’t know what you want unless you ask for it. And if YOU don’t know what you want, then you have some exploring to do. Thinking and talking about what is erotic for you and your partner, as it turns out, can be sexy. “Eroticism invites taking emotional and sexual risks; asks each partner to be open to creativity, mystery, and unpredictability…” (McCarthy & Wald, p. 292). If you find yourself feeling anxious doing this for the first time, keep it up. You’ll feel less anxious with practice. Books like Jack Morin’s “The Erotic Mind” or Justin Lehmiller’s “Tell Me What You Want” can be a good start to increasing your curiosity and erotic self-knowledge.

Finally, keep in mind that flexibility is a crucial element when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction won’t be the same every time you have sex. However, accepting this variability can enhance the bond you have with your partner (McCarthy & Wald). Most importantly, make it like play, relax, and have fun.

If you and your partner are feeling stuck, having a hard time communicating or trouble reinvigorating passion and desire into your committed relationship, consider Imago Couples Therapy. Imago Therapy is a unique and interactive therapeutic process that brings you and your partner closer together and deepens intimacy. When you are feeling closer to your partner and more deeply connected, your sex life can improve dramatically. Don’t wait any longer. Contact a professional San Diego Psychologist at Therapy Changes today to learn more and schedule an appointment.

References
Busby, D. M., Chiu, H., Leonhardt, N. D., & Iliff, E. (2019). Sexual Passion in Committed Relationships: Measurement and Conceptual Issues. Family Process, 58(3), 734–748. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12385
McCarthy, B., & Wald, L. M. (2015). Strategies and Techniques to Directly Address Sexual Desire Problems. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 26(4), 286–298. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1097282
Schnarch, D. M. (2019). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship (2nd ed.). Sterling Publishers.