Over the past three weeks, we've explored the fascinating world of “turtles” and “octopuses”—how they understand each other, how two turtles navigate love, and how opposite attachment types can transform their pursue-withdraw cycle into a healing dance. But what happens when life throws you a curveball?
Job loss, health scares, family crises, financial stress, moving, having children, losing parents—these major life events can send even the most conscious couples back into their old patterns. Suddenly, the turtle who learned to stay emotionally present retreats deep into their shell, and the octopus who learned to self-soothe starts reaching out frantically in all directions.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. In Imago Relationship Therapy, we know that stress reveals our deepest programming. When we're overwhelmed, we don't think—we react from our most primitive survival instincts.
Why Crisis Triggers Old Patterns
Think of your nervous system like a smoke alarm. Under normal circumstances, you can make conscious choices about how to respond to your partner. But when life feels threatening—whether it's a health crisis, job loss, or family emergency—your internal alarm starts blaring, and your brain shifts into survival mode.
In survival mode, we don't access our higher thinking or the relationship skills we've learned. Instead, we revert to the strategies that kept us safe as children:
Turtles retreat even deeper, thinking: "I need to handle this crisis alone. I can't deal with my partner's emotions on top of everything else. If I just focus and withdraw, I can figure this out."
Octopuses pursue even more intensely, thinking: "We need to stick together during this crisis! Why is my partner shutting me out when I need them most? If I don't fight for this connection, I'll lose it completely."
Both responses make perfect sense from a survival perspective—they're just not helpful for maintaining conscious partnership during difficult times.
The Most Common Crisis Triggers for Couples
Financial stress tends to hit turtle-octopus couples especially hard. The turtle often wants to withdraw and "handle it" alone, while the octopus wants to talk through every detail and make decisions together.
Health issues can trigger the turtle's need for privacy about their body and emotions, while the octopus desperately wants to help, support, and stay closely connected to their partner's experience.
Work pressures might cause the turtle to bring their need for space and processing time to an extreme, while the octopus interprets their partner's work stress as relationship rejection.
Family of origin issues often activate childhood wounds directly, with turtles wanting to handle family drama independently while octopuses want their partner to share every detail and emotion.
Parenting challenges can split couples along their turtle-octopus lines, with different ideas about how much to process, discuss, and emotionally engage with parenting decisions.
When Your Partner "Disappears" During Crisis
For octopuses, nothing feels more threatening than having their turtle partner completely withdraw during a crisis. You might think: "This is when we need each other most, and they're abandoning me!" It feels like being left alone with not just the external crisis, but also the terror of emotional abandonment.
But here's what's really happening: your turtle partner isn't abandoning you—they're overwhelmed. Their nervous system is saying, "I can barely handle this crisis. I can't also handle my partner's emotions, needs, and the pressure to communicate about it all. If I retreat and focus, maybe I can solve this problem and protect us both."
Your turtle's withdrawal during crisis isn't personal rejection—it's their way of trying to be strong for the relationship. They genuinely believe that by handling things alone, they're protecting you from additional stress.
When Your Partner "Overwhelms" You During Crisis
For turtles, having an octopus partner become emotionally intense during a crisis can feel unbearable. You might think: "I'm already maxed out dealing with this situation. I can't also manage their anxiety, need for constant communication, and emotional reactions."
But here's what's really happening: your octopus partner isn't trying to overwhelm you—they're terrified. Their nervous system is saying, "Something threatening is happening, and my partner is pulling away from me. If I don't fight for this connection, I'll have to face this crisis completely alone, which feels impossible."
Your octopus's pursuit during crisis isn't about control—it's their way of trying to stay connected to their most important source of security (you) during a scary time.
Staying Conscious When Everything Feels Unconscious
The key to maintaining your conscious partnership during crisis isn't to eliminate these reactions—that's impossible when your nervous system is activated. Instead, it's about recognizing what's happening and creating small bridges of connection even when you're both triggered.
For octopuses during crisis:
Remember that your turtle's withdrawal is about overwhelm, not rejection
Ask for specific, small forms of connection rather than general emotional availability
Practice self-soothing techniques you can use when your partner needs space
Focus on what your partner IS doing rather than what they're not doing
For turtles during crisis:
Remember that your octopus's pursuit comes from fear, not an attempt to control
Offer small reassurances even when you need space: "I love you, I just need an hour to think"
Share basic information about your process: "I'm not ready to talk, but I'm working on this"
Initiate brief moments of connection when you can manage it
The Power of "Bridge" Behaviors
During crisis, you can't expect yourselves to be fully conscious partners—your nervous systems won't allow it. But you can practice small "bridge" behaviors that maintain connection without overwhelming either partner.
Bridge behaviors for turtles:
"I need space to process this, but I want you to know I love you"
"I'm not ready to talk yet, but can we check in tomorrow morning?"
"I'm feeling overwhelmed, but you didn't do anything wrong"
Brief physical touch (holding hands for 30 seconds, a quick hug)
Bridge behaviors for octopuses:
"I can see you're overwhelmed. I love you and I'm here when you're ready"
"I won't pressure you to talk, but I'd love just five minutes of connection today"
"I'm scared too, and I trust that we'll figure this out together"
Offering practical support without expecting emotional processing in return
Using Crisis as a Growth Opportunity
Here's the remarkable thing about navigating crisis consciously: every challenge you face together deepens your bond and strengthens your skills. When you successfully maintain connection during difficult times, you build evidence that your partnership can handle anything.
Couples who learn to stay conscious during crisis often say things like:
"We realized we really can count on each other when things get tough"
"I learned to trust that my partner's way of handling stress is different from mine, but equally valid"
"We discovered that we're stronger together than we are apart"
"Crisis taught us what really matters in our relationship"
The Imago Tools That Help During Crisis
Abbreviated Dialogue: When you can't do full Imago conversations, try just the mirroring step: "What I hear you saying is..." This helps both partners feel heard without requiring extensive processing.
Scheduled Check-ins: Agree on brief, regular connection times that work for both partners. Maybe five minutes every evening, or a 15-minute conversation every other day.
Appreciation Practice: During crisis, actively notice what your partner IS doing rather than focusing on what they're not doing. Share one specific appreciation daily.
The 24-Hour Rule: When things feel intense, agree that you'll both sleep on it and revisit the conversation the next day with fresh perspective.
Rebuilding After the Storm
Once the immediate crisis passes, it's important to process what happened in your relationship during the difficult time. This isn't about blame—it's about learning and strengthening your partnership for future challenges.
Questions to explore together:
What did we each need during the crisis that we didn't know how to ask for?
When did we handle things well together?
What would we want to do differently next time?
How did our turtle and octopus patterns show up during stress?
What did we learn about ourselves and each other?
Your Relationship Can Handle Anything
If you've been through crisis together and found yourselves falling back into old patterns, please don't despair. This is completely normal and doesn't mean you've failed at conscious relationship.
Crisis reveals our deepest programming precisely so we can heal it. Every time you navigate difficulty together—even imperfectly—you're building resilience, trust, and deeper understanding.
The goal isn't to eliminate your turtle or octopus tendencies during crisis—it's to hold them more consciously, with compassion for both yourself and your partner. When you understand that you're both doing your best to keep the relationship safe during scary times, you can work together instead of against each other.
Moving Forward Together
Remember: the couples who thrive long-term aren't the ones who never face crisis—they're the ones who learn to face crisis together. Your turtle-octopus differences, which might feel like liabilities during stress, can actually become your greatest strengths when you understand how to use them consciously.
The turtle's ability to stay calm and focused can ground the partnership during chaos. The octopus's emotional awareness and connection skills can keep the relationship alive during difficult times. Together, you have everything you need to weather any storm.
Consider attending a Getting the Love You Want workshop, where couples learn specific tools for maintaining conscious connection during life's inevitable challenges. Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt designed Imago Relationship Therapy to help couples not just during the easy times, but especially during the times when love feels most difficult.
Your partnership is stronger than any crisis you'll face. With awareness, compassion, and the right tools, you can transform even your most challenging moments into opportunities for deeper love and connection.
Next week, we'll explore the beautiful outcome of conscious partnership: what turtle-octopus couples look like when they've learned to dance together through all of life's seasons—the joyful ones and the difficult ones alike.