AI “Shell We Talk?” © 2025 Gregory E. Koch

Introductory note: This is the first article in a five-article series on moving from a reactive to a conscious relationship. I hope you enjoy it.

Do you ever wonder why some couples seem to speak completely different languages when it comes to conflict? Or why do you and your partner react so differently when things get tense? The answer might lie in understanding whether you're a turtle or an octopus.

Let's start by exploring how people handle relationship stress differently. In Imago Relationship Therapy—developed by Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt—we recognize that people handle relationship stress in one of two main ways. Some of us are minimizers (or "turtles"), while others are maximizers (or "octopuses"). Understanding these patterns can transform how you see your relationship dynamics.

Meet the Turtle: The Minimizer

Turtles are people who, when conflict or stress arises, pull their energy inward and retreat into their protective shell. They're not stubborn or uncaring—they're responding to stress the way their nervous system learned was safest.

Turtle traits might include:

Needing to process emotions on their own.
Withdrawing during arguments or during tense moments.
Tending to keep feelings private until they feel safe enough to share.
Wanting to think things through before speaking.
Getting overwhelmed by emotions and then “shutting down”.
Valuing independence.

When a turtle feels pressured or pursued, their instinct is to retreat further into their shell. It's not personal—it's a protective response they developed long ago. If you recognize yourself as a turtle, keep reading—now let's meet the octopus and see how the other coping style works.

Meet the Octopus: The Maximizer

On the other hand, Octopuses respond to relationship stress by reaching out in multiple directions, seeking connection and resolution. Like an octopus with its many arms, they actively pursue emotional engagement and want to work through problems immediately.

Octopus traits can include:

Wanting to talk about problems immediately.
Seeking reassurance and emotional connection when under stress.
Expressing emotions openly in ways that can sometimes feel intense.
Feeling anxious when their partner isn’t emotionally present.
Pursuing their partner for attention or resolution of a conflict.
Needing to feel heard and understood to calm down.

When an octopus senses distance, they reach out more actively, hoping to restore connection. This behavior isn't clingy—it's their way of managing the fear that distance creates. Now that you know both styles, let's look at what happens when turtles and octopuses come together.

Why Opposites Attract (And Then Drive Each Other to Distraction)

Guess what?: turtles and octopuses tend to fall in love. Initially, these differences feel like the perfect match and can be deeply attractive. The turtle appreciates the octopus's warmth and ability to express how they feel, while the octopus admires the turtle's apparent calmness and independence.

But once the inevitable conflicts arise, these same differences become sources of frustration. The octopus starts pursuing: "Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong? We need to figure this out!" Meanwhile, the turtle retreats deeper: "I need space to think. Stop pressuring me. I'll talk when I'm ready."

This creates what we call the pursue-withdraw cycle. The more the octopus pursues, the more the turtle withdraws. The more the turtle withdraws, the more the octopus pursues. Both partners end up feeling misunderstood and disconnected.

The Childhood Connection

These patterns didn't develop randomly—they're rooted in our earliest experiences. According to Imago theory, we unconsciously choose partners who have the same core childhood wounds as us, but who developed opposite coping strategies.

Turtles often grew up in environments where:

Big emotions felt unsafe or overwhelming.
They learned that withdrawing kept them safe.
Independence was valued over emotional expression.
Their caregivers were emotionally distant or unavailable.

Octopuses often experienced:

Inconsistent attention or affection from caregivers.
Learning that they had to work hard to get their needs met.
Environments where emotional expression was the norm.
Fear that withdrawal meant abandonment.

Neither response is right or wrong—both are intelligent adaptations to childhood circumstances.

The Unconscious Voice Inside Each Style

Every turtle carries an unconscious message: "I'm going to make my partner respect my boundaries by retreating into my shell, excluding them from my personal space".

Every octopus carries their own unconscious message: "I'm going to make my partner give me more attention and love by expressing my feelings with energy and reaching out for connection.”

These strategies work in childhood, but in adult romantic relationships, they tend to lead to conflict.

Breaking the Cycle

Here’s the good news: If we understand these patterns, we can work together to change them. Also, when you realize that your partner's turtle withdrawal isn't a rejection and your partner's octopus pursuit isn't an attempt to control, you can start responding differently.

For turtles, growth means:

Learning that emotions aren’t dangerous, so it’s okay to stay present during emotionally charged conversations.
Expressing feelings even when it feels vulnerable.
Understanding that your partner's pursuit comes from their love for you, not a desire to attack you.

For octopuses, growth means:

Learning to contain emotion for a time so you can give your partner space.
Developing skills for internal self-soothing instead of immediately seeking external comfort.
Trusting that withdrawal doesn't mean abandonment.

You're Both Styles (But One Dominates)

Here's an important truth: we all have both turtle and octopus tendencies. Depending on the situation, you might withdraw like a turtle or pursue like an octopus. But most of us have a dominant style—our go-to response when we're stressed or triggered.

Some people are "turtle-octopus" (mostly turtle with some octopus qualities) or "octopus-turtle" (mostly octopus with some turtle qualities). Understanding your primary pattern helps you recognize when you're operating from unconscious programming rather than making conscious choices.

Hope for Healing

The beautiful thing about Imago theory is that it shows us how our relationship challenges are actually opportunities for healing. Your partner's different style isn't meant to drive you crazy—it's meant to help you grow into a more complete person.

When a turtle learns to express emotions and an octopus learns to self-soothe, both partners become more whole. The relationship becomes a place where old childhood wounds can finally heal.

What's Next?

Next week, I'll explore what happens when two turtles fall in love. While it might seem like a perfect match—no pursuing, no pressure, lots of mutual respect for space—turtle-turtle relationships face their own unique challenges. You'll discover why these couples initially fall in love, but can later feel so lonely. But hope is not lost. These couples can work together to create the deep intimacy they're both longing for.

Whether you're a turtle, an octopus, or somewhere in between, understanding these patterns can help you move from unconscious reactions to conscious choices. Your relationship style isn't a limitation—it's one of the reasons you were attracted to your partner, and it’s a starting point for growth, healing, and deeper connection.

Want to learn more about transforming your relationship patterns? Consider attending a Getting the Love You Want workshop, where couples learn practical tools for moving beyond unconscious dynamics toward conscious, healing love.