Introductory note: This is the second article in a 5-article series on moving from a reactive (unconscious) to a conscious relationship. I hope you enjoy.
Last week, we explored how “turtles” (minimizers) and “octopuses” (maximizers) are typically drawn to each other in that classic "opposites attract" dynamic. But what happens when two turtles find each other? You might think it would be relationship heaven—no pursuing, no pressure, perfect understanding of each other's need for space. The reality is more complex.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we see turtle-turtle couples fairly often, and while they avoid some of the typical pursue-withdraw conflicts, they face their own unique challenges. Let's explore why two turtles initially feel like perfect matches, and why that same compatibility can become a problem over time.
The Magic of Turtle Meets Turtle
When two turtles first meet, it can feel like finding their soulmate. Finally, someone who truly gets it! Here's a person who:
Doesn't pressure them to "open up" constantly
Respects their need for space and independence
Won't chase them around demanding to talk about feelings
Understands that love doesn't mean being joined at the hip
Values thoughtfulness over impulsive emotional expression
This feels amazing, especially if they've previously dated octopuses who wanted to talk everything through immediately and needed lots of emotional connection. The relief of finding someone who shares their values around independence and emotional privacy can feel like coming home.
Why Our Unconscious Picks Familiar Partners
As we discussed in our previous article about turtle and octopus dynamics, Imago theory—developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt—teaches us that we don't pick partners by accident. Our unconscious mind has what we call an "Imago"—a mental picture made up of all our early caregivers' traits, both positive and challenging.
Two turtles often had remarkably similar childhoods. Maybe their parents were emotionally distant, or didn't handle big feelings well, or taught them that needing too much from others was not okay. Perhaps they learned that independence was the highest virtue, or that emotional expression was messy and uncomfortable.
When they meet another turtle, it feels familiar and safe. There's an unconscious recognition: "Here's someone who understands the world the way I do. I don't have to explain why I need space or defend my boundaries. This person gets it."
The Comfort Zone Becomes a Trap
While this initial compatibility feels wonderful, it can create problems down the road. Both partners employ similar strategies when things get difficult:
Mutual withdrawal: When conflict arises, both retreat to their respective corners instead of working through issues
Emotional avoidance: Neither partner pushes the other toward vulnerability, so important feelings remain unexpressed
Conflict minimization: Problems get swept under the rug rather than addressed directly
Parallel living: They might function well as roommates but miss out on deep emotional intimacy
What starts as peaceful can gradually become lonely. Instead of the dramatic fights that turtle-octopus couples experience, turtle-turtle couples often suffer from what we might call "quiet disconnection."
The Problem with Playing It Too Safe
Here's where the turtle-turtle dynamic gets tricky. While they avoid the stress that comes from having an octopus partner who pursues and demands emotional engagement, they miss out on something important: the growth that comes from being gently challenged.
In healthy relationships, we need some degree of stretching beyond our comfort zone. When both partners are committed to avoiding vulnerability and maintaining emotional distance, nobody grows. The relationship can become emotionally stagnant, with both people feeling:
Lonely despite being in a partnership
Like they're living with a good friend rather than a romantic partner
Frustrated that their deepest needs aren't being met
Confused about why they feel so disconnected from someone who "gets" them
When One Turtle Starts to Emerge
Sometimes, life events or personal growth cause one turtle to begin wanting more emotional connection. Maybe they go through therapy, experience a life crisis, or simply reach a point where the safety of distance no longer feels satisfying.
When this happens, they might become what we call the "pursuing turtle"—still naturally inclined toward minimizing, but now longing for deeper intimacy. They may develop some octopus qualities, reaching out for more emotional connection while maintaining their core turtle nature.
This shift can create confusion in the relationship. The partner who's stretching toward connection might feel frustrated by their partner's continued withdrawal, while the more traditional turtle might feel pressured and retreat further. Suddenly, their "perfect match" doesn't feel so perfect anymore.
From Unconscious to Conscious Relationship
The good news? This pattern doesn't have to be permanent. Imago therapy teaches us that we can move from an "unconscious relationship" (where we just react based on old patterns) to a "conscious relationship" (where we make intentional choices about how we connect).
For two turtles, creating a conscious relationship means learning to:
Share feelings even when it feels scary: Both partners need to practice vulnerability in small, manageable doses
Stay present during difficult conversations: Instead of both retreating, they can learn to remain engaged even when emotions arise
Ask for what they need: Rather than hoping their partner will guess, they can practice direct communication
Create structured emotional safety: Use tools like the Imago Dialogue to make vulnerability feel safer
How Getting the Love You Want Can Help
The Getting the Love You Want workshop and Imago Relationship Therapy offer specific tools that work especially well for turtle couples:
The Imago Dialogue: This structured conversation process helps both partners share feelings without anyone getting overwhelmed. It provides the safety that turtles need to risk being vulnerable.
Understanding your childhood story: Both partners can explore how their past experiences shaped their current patterns, creating compassion for each other's protective strategies.
Graduated vulnerability exercises: Rather than diving into deep emotional waters, couples learn to build intimacy gradually in ways that feel manageable.
Emotional safety practices: Turtles learn how to create an environment where opening up doesn't feel dangerous or overwhelming.
Your Turtle Strengths Are Still Strengths
It's important to remember that the very qualities that helped you survive childhood—your thoughtfulness, your ability to stay calm under pressure, your respect for boundaries—can become relationship assets when combined with new intimacy skills.
You don't need to become an full-on octopus to have a thriving relationship. You just need to expand your emotional toolkit. The workshop teaches you how to use your natural turtle strengths while also learning new skills for emotional connection.
You'll discover that true safety in a relationship doesn't come from avoiding vulnerability—it comes from creating a space where vulnerability is welcomed, honored, and cherished by both partners.
It's Never Too Late to Connect
Whether you're two turtles who've been living parallel lives for years, or you're just beginning to realize that your "low-maintenance" relationship might actually be starving for deeper connection, conscious relationship skills can transform your partnership.
Your turtle shell protected you when you needed it most. Now, with the right tools and support, you can choose when to come out and connect, knowing you're safe to be your authentic self with your partner. You can maintain your valued independence while also creating the warm intimacy you're both secretly longing for.
Ready to Learn More?
If this sounds like your relationship, consider joining a Getting the Love You Want workshop. You'll learn practical skills for moving from a cold, distant partnership to a warm, conscious relationship where both turtles can thrive—together. Imago Relationship Therapy has helped millions of couples transform their relationships over more than four decades.
Remember: your initial attraction made perfect sense, and with the right tools, you can keep what works while building the deeper connection you both deserve.
Next week, we'll explore what happens when a turtle and an octopus learn to dance together—how these opposite styles can actually become each other's greatest teachers and healers.
