Relationship Tips for Gay Men

…and anyone smart enough to read this article

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | July 1, 2022

Photo by Cavan for Adobe

In 2014, I attempted my first 5-day backpacking trip. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sir Edmund Hillary, the first mountaineer to summit Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen, once said, “It is not the mountains we conquer but ourselves.” I remember feeling something very similar after my much less significant achievement. I learned that climbing a mountain was much more than a physical feat. The real challenge was cultivating a positive mindset and facing the mental challenge. I felt as if I was conquering myself with every step forward. I knew that if I allowed the self-doubt and inner critic to take over, the next step might head me down the mountain instead of up it. The reward of such work was the camaraderie with my fellow trekkers and the knowledge that challenging tasks are possible with perseverance.

Reflecting on this experience reminds me of what it’s like to tackle the adventure of dating. The prospect of nurturing a romantic relationship can seem quite daunting, but the reward of perseverance and hard work is the deep connection and intimacy we enjoy with our partners.

You can reap the benefits of being in a healthy and stable romantic relationship. To help you get there, I share tips that I learned in my work with couples and those seeking to improve intimacy. While these tips pertain primarily for gay men, they have broad relevance to other communities, as well.

Tips for romantic relationships:

1. Date!

The first thing is to get started. Put yourself out there. Take the risk. You can’t get what you don’t ask for, so ask that hotty out on a date.

2. Attraction is purely subjective.

If someone is not into you, it’s not personal. We can’t control who is attracted to us. The mechanisms that determine if the person is attracted to you were present long before you met them. If there isn’t a mutual attraction, move on…there’s someone better out there for you.

3. Take your time.

I can’t tell you how often I hear the story of people getting hot and bothered about someone immediately after meeting them. They can hear wedding bells ringing after the first date! Slow…down. Try referring to the early times together as simply “hanging out” rather than “dating” to reduce the emotional intensity. If you find yourself outpacing the other person, be aware of your emotions, take a step back and let the other person catch up. By slowing down, you will take the pressure off the relationship, which is a real turn-on.

4. The purpose of dating is to find out if someone is a good match.

If the relationship doesn’t evolve after the first few meetings, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. Just because someone wasn’t a good match for you doesn’t mean that your attempt was a failure. Having the courage to put yourself out there is in and of itself an accomplishment. By doing so you have learned something valuable about yourself, and you are now free to put energy into the next person. Be patient with yourself: finding the right match often takes longer than you think it should.

5. Date and have relationships with people who are available.

A lot of the “games” people play in the dating scene are because they fear getting close to others. Choose relationships with people who aren’t afraid to tell you how they feel and ask for what they need. Practice sharing your feelings with potential partners, as well, even though it may be scary at first.

6. Abandon hopeless relationships.

I can’t stress this enough. You deserve a fulfilling and enriching relationship. If your emotional needs aren’t being met in a relationship, talk to your partner. Tell them how you feel and try to work together to find a solution. If, after time you still aren’t getting what you need, it’s time to say goodbye.

7. Ask for what you want.

You can’t always get what you ask for, but you certainly can’t get what you don’t ask for. Take the risk, it often pays off. If you don’t get what you want, you will still feel satisfied knowing that you did your best, and that you learned something in the process.

8. Allow others to have their feelings.

You and the person(s) you are in a relationship with are individuals. You are all entitled to your feelings and should have the right to express them. Navigating the complexity of differing emotions is what it takes to be in a healthy relationship.

9. Claim space for yourself.

Human romantic partners didn’t evolve to be together all the time. It’s important to spend time apart. Take a vacation by yourself each year (your partner can do the same). If one of your partner’s best friends is intolerable to you, that’s alright! Give that time to your partner. Learn how to take space for yourself and give space to your partner. Coming back together will be even sweeter.

10. Normalize a range of body types.

There is a lot of pressure in the gay community to meet “ideal” body standards. Beauty exists outside of these narrow parameters and so does attraction. Many of us internalize a rigid definition of beauty beginning at an early age, leading to feelings of shame and criticism in our communities. If you and your partner(s) want healthy self-esteem and body image, step away from the harmful messaging of diet culture and embrace your natural body type, even if it differs from what society tells you is “ideal.”

11. Normalize gender differences.

Embrace and learn to love the differences in gender expression in our communities. When we do this as gay men, we find more love for ourselves and start to let go of the internalized homophobia that we carry with us.

12. “Celebrate your gay.”

Celebrate your queerness. Be yourself in as many spaces as possible. Learn to accept yourself and your partner and let go of the burden of guilt related to being gay. When others can’t celebrate with you, it’s okay to set boundaries that protect you from the shame others try to place on you. In some cases, you may need to revisit tip #6. It’s not fair to you, or your partners when you have to apologize for being who you are. You certainly don’t see non-queer people apologizing for being cisgender and straight! Level the playing field by celebrating who you are.

Being in a healthy romantic relationship requires a lot of hard work. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, lost, and confused in the process. Past traumas, internalized homophobia and external stressors can all interfere with your ability to positively relate to your partner. If you are having trouble expressing your emotions, or asking for what you need in your relationship, consider Couples Therapy. Working with a professional San Diego Psychologist will help you and your partner learn tools and strategies to help you work together to accomplish your goals. You deserve to enjoy an intimate, healthy, and uplifting relationship. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a member of the Therapy Changes team who will help get you there.

Reinvigorating Sexual Passion and Desire in a Committed Relationship

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 29, 2021

Photo by SKW

In the early days of a relationship, sex can seem fun, exciting, and something to look forward to for many couples. Of course, every couple is different. For many, even those still profoundly in love, sexual passion and behaviors can change throughout a long-term relationship. Couples who maintain a higher level of passion in a relationship may have a higher level of individual sexual passion to begin with (Busby, et al., 2019). But, as we know, life happens. We get older, our bodies change, some of us have children, stress can get the best of us. Such events can impact our sex lives even if our sex drive and sexual desire remain high. But here is the reality, sexual problems are normal, especially sexual desire problems (Schnarch, 2019). This might sound like new information if you believed the romantic fallacy that good relationships don’t have sexual problems. The fact is, good relationships and healthy people do have sexual problems.

So, how do we bring passion back into our committed relationships?

Understanding what you want and asking for it is powerful medicine in the bedroom. Believe it or not, “sexual passion can be developed and increased over time in relationships as couples learn to be more differentiated and are thereby able to expand their sexual intimacy, repertoire, and passion.” (Busby, et al., p. 736).

Follow the suggestions below to help improve your sex life:

1) Make time for intimacy

One aspect of improving our sex lives is prioritizing sex. But how do we make our sex lives a priority when life gets in the way? Consider scheduling sex with your sexy sex partner! “Scheduling?” you say? “How unromantic,” you say? I get it. And yet, when we want that special time with our partner knowing when and where can be helpful. It might surprise you, but most couples intentionally plan their sexual experiences (McCarthy & Wald, 2015).

2) Take time to look and smell good

At the beginning of romantic relationships, we are likely to try to impress each other by looking and smelling good. Of course, over time, we may put less effort into trying to impress our partners. This change certainly makes sense once we have dated a long time, if we live together, or raise children together. As relationships become long-term, knowing when sex is expected to occur gives us the chance to prepare to impress our partner at times when it matters most. As silly as it may seem, smelling and looking good can help improve the sexual experience. Having the opportunity to shower, brush our teeth, etc. can help us feel good about ourselves and our time together. Perhaps most importantly, the anticipation can be sexy and fun.

3) Learn about, and understand each other’s differences

What about relationships where one partner appears to be asking for sex more than the other? In my experience, every couple has a difference in their level of sexual desire: one partner is always going to want more sex than the other. As I mentioned above, many factors can change our sexual desire over time, but even without these changes, one partner will want a different amount of sex than the other. For example, perhaps you want sex a few times per week, and your partner wants it once every other week. Schnarch writes that simply understanding this difference can take pressure off couples.

On the other hand, this dynamic might cause a situation where one partner always seems to be initiating sex. This can start to feel like pressure when always in the lead when asking for intimacy. And the pressure to have sex can harm our sexual satisfaction. In such cases, it can be helpful to switch up the lead using what I call “Keeper of the Sexual Relationship Days”. Make an agreement between you about who will first “take the lead” to request sex, and then switch to the other partner next time. Using a strategy like this gives each partner time to think about what experience they might like to have and how they might set the scene. It allows setting up a romantic night, for example. Expressing and enjoying an individual’s desires and passions can bring alive sex with your partner.

4) Try new things together

As our lives with our partners become more routine, so do our sex lives. So, how can we improve sex in relationships? Schnarch (2019) writes that the best way is to create a collaborative partnership regarding sex. This approach means agreeing to work together. And we can’t do this without having good sexual communication. This suggestion might be another area where you would tell me, “How unromantic!” But the reality is your partner can’t know what you want unless you ask for it. And if YOU don’t know what you want, then you have some exploring to do. Thinking and talking about what is erotic for you and your partner, as it turns out, can be sexy. “Eroticism invites taking emotional and sexual risks; asks each partner to be open to creativity, mystery, and unpredictability…” (McCarthy & Wald, p. 292). If you find yourself feeling anxious doing this for the first time, keep it up. You’ll feel less anxious with practice. Books like Jack Morin’s “The Erotic Mind” or Justin Lehmiller’s “Tell Me What You Want” can be a good start to increasing your curiosity and erotic self-knowledge.

Finally, keep in mind that flexibility is a crucial element when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction won’t be the same every time you have sex. However, accepting this variability can enhance the bond you have with your partner (McCarthy & Wald). Most importantly, make it like play, relax, and have fun.

If you and your partner are feeling stuck, having a hard time communicating or trouble reinvigorating passion and desire into your committed relationship, consider Imago Couples Therapy. Imago Therapy is a unique and interactive therapeutic process that brings you and your partner closer together and deepens intimacy. When you are feeling closer to your partner and more deeply connected, your sex life can improve dramatically. Don’t wait any longer. Contact a professional San Diego Psychologist at Therapy Changes today to learn more and schedule an appointment.

References
Busby, D. M., Chiu, H., Leonhardt, N. D., & Iliff, E. (2019). Sexual Passion in Committed Relationships: Measurement and Conceptual Issues. Family Process, 58(3), 734–748. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12385
McCarthy, B., & Wald, L. M. (2015). Strategies and Techniques to Directly Address Sexual Desire Problems. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 26(4), 286–298. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1097282
Schnarch, D. M. (2019). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship (2nd ed.). Sterling Publishers.

Therapy Changes Welcomes Dr. Gregory E. Koch

Dr. Gregory E. Koch

In our era of “snapshot appearances” and social media, being yourself can be hard. It isn’t easy to keep up appearances, and this takes a toll on our self-esteem and self-identity. That is why having a place where you can be yourself, let your guard down, be vulnerable, and be seen is so important. Holding this space with my clients is what makes therapy so meaningful to me.

If you have unresolved trauma, relationship difficulties, loss and heartache, or you want to grow as a person, therapy can be the place for you. I’ve been helping clients heal and grow for over 22 years. I am delighted to join the Therapy Changes team where I can continue to provide focused guidance when it’s needed most.

Having the courage to be yourself

I started helping others affirm their identities when I was in college. After coming out as a gay man at a small liberal arts school in North Texas, I started the first LGBTQ+ organization on the Austin College campus. I didn’t do it alone, though. I had the help of friends, straight and gay, who sat with me in the student union building for our first meeting. We were out in the open; everyone walking by could see us. I couldn’t have done it without those friends’ help: the people who saw me, valued me, and worked with me to create a safe place for growth.

This experience made me passionate about providing LGBTQ+ services and for helping emerging adults find themselves. For the past decade, I worked as a counseling psychologist at the University of California, San Diego. In this role, I had the chance to create community spaces like the one I helped create for my college. I created spaces for gay men and couples to meet and discuss their relationships. These were safe spaces for self and relationship improvement. But again, I couldn’t have done it alone. It was the community that made this work meaningful and successful.

Because of the opportunities I have had to work in the LGBTQ+ community, I believe in people’s capacity for connection and personal transformation in healthy relationships. I believe that relationships give life meaning—none of the work we do amounts to a hill of beans without connection. Life cannot be about perfectionism or achievement alone. It must be about love for ourselves and others. When we understand this, we can look honestly at ourselves and create health, healing, and growth spaces.

I look forward to meeting you

I hope that my experience working with the LGBTQ+ community, my experience helping others heal from trauma, and my passion for building meaningful connection can be helpful to you. I look forward to joining and building community at Therapy Changes. I invite you to take the first step and be a part of that work.